Dealing with Emotional Pain

Many people walk around with emotional pain that they may not even know they have.  It manifest itself in discontent, depression, anxiety, anger, and a general feeling of uneasiness.  This is why a majority of people never deal with their issues, they don't know they have them.  People may tell them every once in a while that they don't look happy or they seem to not be okay, but it doesn't register.  Is this you?  Ask yourself, am I happy?  Or have I convinced myself that I'm happy because I don't want to deal with my life or change it right now.  I call this martyrdom.  We suffer in "silence" (and I put that in quotes because martyrs like to tell their story over and over again) thinking we will be reward someday somewhere for all our suffering.  OK, well, if that is the way you want to live your life then own it and don't complain about it, but if you want more, then you are going to have to acknowledge the emotional pain that is in your life and deal with it once and for all.  Since we all have patterns of behavior that are developed to protect us from being hurt or experience more pain, it may be difficult at first to know what to do.  What is the first step?  Acknowledging the pain.  When I ask people what the problem is in their life often they will say to me they don't know.  And I believe that they don't because they have buried it into a daily life that has no place for it anymore.  But the act of burying the problem doesn't make it go away.  It just makes it so that you turn your attention to something else that may be even worse than the original problem.  It is always a fascinating discovery to have someone in my office that presents with a particular problem, but then when we start talking we find out together that this is only the tip of the iceberg.  The problem is buried underneath and if you can unearth it, other problems magically diminish.

We develop habits to comfort and protect ourselves.  Such as eating too much of the foods that are not good for us.  There is a physiological effect when I eat a comfort food that is very soothing to my body.  However, if I have not dealt with the problem, I then need more of that comfort to compensate for my feelings.  It is the same with anything ( or anyone) we bring into our lives that gives us immediate comfort after a while we need more.  People ask me a lot about relationship issues and why they seem to get into the same types of relationships over and over again.  The lesson hasn't been learned.  Because there is that problem that has been long buried and forgotten, there is a barrier in place that cannot be circumvented until this problem is dealt with appropriately.  Think about it in your own life and your relationships to other people.  Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of person?  And then does the relationship end up the same way?  Keep doing the same things and you will keep getting the same results.  If you know what the original problem is then you can make choices to change those results. Because here we go back to beliefs and how they affect our lives.  If I have an innate belief that relationships don't work for me because I am unlovable based on how I have been treated in my life, then I will prove myself right time and time again.  Then I can say to everyone around me that I was right and I can feel good about myself, for the moment.

So what do you do?  After acknowledging the emotional pain, then you need to deal with your beliefs about the problem you have uncovered.  I have learned over the years of working with clients that traditional talk therapy is great for some people.  Sifting through every little aspect of how you created your life up to this point, who taught you how to feel the way you do now about yourself, and who influenced you are all valuable things.  You could take years, depending on your age, to sift through all the reasons as to why you have this emotional pain today.  Or, you can just choose to let it go.  Sometimes when we focus to much on drudging up our past and dealing with everything that has happened to us, we lose the present moment.  The fact is, the past is the past and it cannot be changed.  The only thing you can change about the past is how you feel about it and how you let it affect the life you are living right now.  So  you have a choice to make.  Continue to hang to the past, tell the stories of why you can't do something in the present because of your past, or you can choose to acknowledge that it caused you pain, but you are willing to let it go now.

It sounds too easy I know, but it is worth a try.  A lot of times people don't want to come to therapy because they have seen too many television programs where you sit around and talk about your mother and talk about every little detail in your past. You may have even met people who have been in therapy off and on for most of their lives.  Now understand that I am not discounting whatever works because each person is an individual and different things and methods work for different people.  But what I have found it that, if you believe it will work then it most likely will.  This is not an endorsement to throw away traditional methods of treatment or therapy.  Obviously research has said that these methods work.  This is me giving you a road to go down that you might not have thought of before.  Nowadays people are looking for the quick solution for weight loss, smoking cessation, etc.  Wouldn't it be great if you had a quick solution move on with your life problem-solving method.  That is why people are so attracted to hypnosis.  Hypnosis offers quick solutions to problems that used to take months to years to solve. And it has been proven to be very effective, but as with anything else not with everyone.  We are not talking about mental health issues such as personality disorders or organic disorders, etc.

Having said all that, (my disclaimer) understand that for a majority of people there comes a moment in your life when you are just ready to let go of things because you are sick and tired of caring them around with you.  You know that these problems are keeping you from your happiness and you know there has to be a way to feel better.  So, you acknowledge the emotional pain, be willing to release it, and then be willing not to fall back into habits that recreate the same feelings and emotions in the present.

Habits are the things that perpetuate problems.  So the thing that really has to change sometimes is the way we do our lives.  Our mind, body, emotions do what they are trained to do.  If you have trained them into a routine that is ingrained then you have to break that routine.  If you find your self, for example, stopping at the fast food place everyday after work on the way home to get that 32 oz. sugary soda, then you are going to have to simply stop doing that.  For a while you will naturally gear yourself up to want to have that soda.  It may even become an obsession.  Maybe you dream about it, or you find yourself trying to talk yourself out of having the soda, or maybe you justify why having the soda is OK because it makes you feel good or you're less tired because you have it.  And this is just about soda!  But once you consciously make a decision to break a pattern of behavior, deal with the reasons why you really want to keep that behavior, and then release it, it will be a lot easier to pass by that fast food place and feel really good about not having the soda.  Then one day, you pass by, and you don't even think about the soda.  That is when you know you have the ability to make a change in your life and that soda doesn't control you, you control it through your choices.

If this sounds good, getting rid of emotional pain, living a happier life, then you are well on your way to beginning to make changes in your life.  If you need any help on your journey, give me a call.  That's what I'm here for. To be that different thing you do to get different results.

Have an amazing day!
Mitzi

210-967-4400
www.mitziwood.com