Dealing with Holiday Stress

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of the year.  We have time off, we get to see our families, our kids are excited about this magical time of the year, etc.  But for many people the holidays only mean stress, anxiety, and grief.  If you have lost a loved one, you may be experiencing this grief already.  I call it holiday grief.  It is most prevalent if you have lost someone in the past year, but it can stay with us year after year after year.  We don't realize what an impact it makes on our ability to be happy when we are still holding on to grief.  So here are some ways you can manage your grief, or if you are not grieving, managing your stress during the holidays.

First of all, acknowledge that you are grieving.  No one can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve.  However, when grief impedes your ability to function in the present, then it needs to be addressed.  When you are experiencing depression, anxiety, anger, all the things that go along with grief, but are so intense they block out any other feelings, then they probably need to be dealt with appropriately.  Grief affects people in different ways and that is mostly due to our belief system.  If you believe that there is a place where that person has gone that is good, comforting, and freeing, then you will probably handle your grief in a more positive way.  But if you either have no beliefs about what happens when we die, or your beliefs are negative in some way, then you might be feeling some emotions that really impact your own life.  You may be feeling guilt over being the one that survived, or you may feel that you did not get to say all the things you would have liked to say to that person, or because you don't have a belief about where they are, you may be feeling lost or afraid for them.  I have said before that belief is a powerful thing and the absence of belief is still a belief.  So, you may want to explore what you believe and if your beliefs don't work for you, you may want to explore what other people believe.

If you do have a belief system that is positive and hopeful for a place where there is peace, connectedness to (God, Source, universal presence, Buddha, etc.) then there is a certain comfort that can be taken from that belief that will serve you during the holidays.  Celebrating the life of the person that is no longer here may be a way to make the holidays feel more pleasant and inviting for everyone.  Our society has a lot of social conventions around grieving and rules about how one should act when they grieve.  You have to decide if that is what you want to do and if that feels right for you.  Doing something that feels positive for you, but may cause some confusion for family or friends may be just the thing you need to help you feel better during the holidays.  In the end, no one can tell you how to grieve!  As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone (or anything) else, you create the ritual, mind-set, belief that works for you.

Dealing with holiday rituals.  Do you find yourself doing the same thing for the holidays every year and hating it?  You really have to ask yourself why you do that and what would be the cost if you actually did something that made you happy for the holidays.  I can hear you saying, but Mitzi, that is so selfish, what will the family think?  If you are worried about family repercussions, feeling selfish, or ruining someone elses holiday then you are probably not having a happy holiday anyway and maybe it's time to help everyone be happy for the holidays by changing the way it's done.  Sometimes the only way to manage holiday stress is to create a new holiday tradition.  It may cause stress in the beginning with family and friends, but the potential joy for everyone, especially your immediate family could be immeasurable.  Many people have found that the ability to create a new tradition with the people they truly love has changed the way the holidays feel for them.  If people get upset, they were probably going to get upset anyway.  We have to learn that we cannot please everyone, and we are not responsible for everyone elses thoughts and feelings.  When we try to care take other people we invariably end up losing ourselves in the process.  The brings us feelings of resentment, stress, and makes the holidays miserable.  That old saying about don't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results would definitely apply to this situation.

Creating new holiday rituals.  If you have children, sit them down and talk to them about what they would like to do for the holidays.  The greatest gift is to see the magic and wonder of the holidays through the eyes of a child.  It may even get you back into the holiday spirit if you will take a moment and share that magic with them.  If you are experiencing the holidays on your own, find something you enjoy doing and plan to do it during the holidays.  Changing the way you think and feel about how the holidays are supposed to be celebrated will go a long way in helping you create a holiday that works for you. Stop trying to make the old ways work and find a new way.  Maybe this holiday you go and help out at a homeless shelter.  Maybe you can make a ritual of seeing the newest movie on the holiday.  Maybe you drive to some place beautiful and take in a new environment.  I could go on and on and on.  You just have to give yourself permission to do things differently this year.  And remember, you are no good to anyone if you are unhappy. It is better to say hey, I'm not coming over this year because I've decided to do something else, then to sit there and endure the holidays with friends or family.  Believe me, people know when you are unhappy!

Finally, remember the "reason for the season".  It is a time of thanksgiving, being grateful for at least being here and breathing everyday.  It is a time of renewal, anticipation of what is to come.  It is a time to believe in something greater than yourself and realize that, if you believe it is so, you are not alone.

Have an amazing holiday season!

Much love and grace to you,

Mitzi

Dealing with Emotional Pain

Many people walk around with emotional pain that they may not even know they have.  It manifest itself in discontent, depression, anxiety, anger, and a general feeling of uneasiness.  This is why a majority of people never deal with their issues, they don't know they have them.  People may tell them every once in a while that they don't look happy or they seem to not be okay, but it doesn't register.  Is this you?  Ask yourself, am I happy?  Or have I convinced myself that I'm happy because I don't want to deal with my life or change it right now.  I call this martyrdom.  We suffer in "silence" (and I put that in quotes because martyrs like to tell their story over and over again) thinking we will be reward someday somewhere for all our suffering.  OK, well, if that is the way you want to live your life then own it and don't complain about it, but if you want more, then you are going to have to acknowledge the emotional pain that is in your life and deal with it once and for all.  Since we all have patterns of behavior that are developed to protect us from being hurt or experience more pain, it may be difficult at first to know what to do.  What is the first step?  Acknowledging the pain.  When I ask people what the problem is in their life often they will say to me they don't know.  And I believe that they don't because they have buried it into a daily life that has no place for it anymore.  But the act of burying the problem doesn't make it go away.  It just makes it so that you turn your attention to something else that may be even worse than the original problem.  It is always a fascinating discovery to have someone in my office that presents with a particular problem, but then when we start talking we find out together that this is only the tip of the iceberg.  The problem is buried underneath and if you can unearth it, other problems magically diminish.

We develop habits to comfort and protect ourselves.  Such as eating too much of the foods that are not good for us.  There is a physiological effect when I eat a comfort food that is very soothing to my body.  However, if I have not dealt with the problem, I then need more of that comfort to compensate for my feelings.  It is the same with anything ( or anyone) we bring into our lives that gives us immediate comfort after a while we need more.  People ask me a lot about relationship issues and why they seem to get into the same types of relationships over and over again.  The lesson hasn't been learned.  Because there is that problem that has been long buried and forgotten, there is a barrier in place that cannot be circumvented until this problem is dealt with appropriately.  Think about it in your own life and your relationships to other people.  Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of person?  And then does the relationship end up the same way?  Keep doing the same things and you will keep getting the same results.  If you know what the original problem is then you can make choices to change those results. Because here we go back to beliefs and how they affect our lives.  If I have an innate belief that relationships don't work for me because I am unlovable based on how I have been treated in my life, then I will prove myself right time and time again.  Then I can say to everyone around me that I was right and I can feel good about myself, for the moment.

So what do you do?  After acknowledging the emotional pain, then you need to deal with your beliefs about the problem you have uncovered.  I have learned over the years of working with clients that traditional talk therapy is great for some people.  Sifting through every little aspect of how you created your life up to this point, who taught you how to feel the way you do now about yourself, and who influenced you are all valuable things.  You could take years, depending on your age, to sift through all the reasons as to why you have this emotional pain today.  Or, you can just choose to let it go.  Sometimes when we focus to much on drudging up our past and dealing with everything that has happened to us, we lose the present moment.  The fact is, the past is the past and it cannot be changed.  The only thing you can change about the past is how you feel about it and how you let it affect the life you are living right now.  So  you have a choice to make.  Continue to hang to the past, tell the stories of why you can't do something in the present because of your past, or you can choose to acknowledge that it caused you pain, but you are willing to let it go now.

It sounds too easy I know, but it is worth a try.  A lot of times people don't want to come to therapy because they have seen too many television programs where you sit around and talk about your mother and talk about every little detail in your past. You may have even met people who have been in therapy off and on for most of their lives.  Now understand that I am not discounting whatever works because each person is an individual and different things and methods work for different people.  But what I have found it that, if you believe it will work then it most likely will.  This is not an endorsement to throw away traditional methods of treatment or therapy.  Obviously research has said that these methods work.  This is me giving you a road to go down that you might not have thought of before.  Nowadays people are looking for the quick solution for weight loss, smoking cessation, etc.  Wouldn't it be great if you had a quick solution move on with your life problem-solving method.  That is why people are so attracted to hypnosis.  Hypnosis offers quick solutions to problems that used to take months to years to solve. And it has been proven to be very effective, but as with anything else not with everyone.  We are not talking about mental health issues such as personality disorders or organic disorders, etc.

Having said all that, (my disclaimer) understand that for a majority of people there comes a moment in your life when you are just ready to let go of things because you are sick and tired of caring them around with you.  You know that these problems are keeping you from your happiness and you know there has to be a way to feel better.  So, you acknowledge the emotional pain, be willing to release it, and then be willing not to fall back into habits that recreate the same feelings and emotions in the present.

Habits are the things that perpetuate problems.  So the thing that really has to change sometimes is the way we do our lives.  Our mind, body, emotions do what they are trained to do.  If you have trained them into a routine that is ingrained then you have to break that routine.  If you find your self, for example, stopping at the fast food place everyday after work on the way home to get that 32 oz. sugary soda, then you are going to have to simply stop doing that.  For a while you will naturally gear yourself up to want to have that soda.  It may even become an obsession.  Maybe you dream about it, or you find yourself trying to talk yourself out of having the soda, or maybe you justify why having the soda is OK because it makes you feel good or you're less tired because you have it.  And this is just about soda!  But once you consciously make a decision to break a pattern of behavior, deal with the reasons why you really want to keep that behavior, and then release it, it will be a lot easier to pass by that fast food place and feel really good about not having the soda.  Then one day, you pass by, and you don't even think about the soda.  That is when you know you have the ability to make a change in your life and that soda doesn't control you, you control it through your choices.

If this sounds good, getting rid of emotional pain, living a happier life, then you are well on your way to beginning to make changes in your life.  If you need any help on your journey, give me a call.  That's what I'm here for. To be that different thing you do to get different results.

Have an amazing day!
Mitzi

210-967-4400
www.mitziwood.com

What is My Purpose?

Everyone has a purpose.  Everyone.  We all have something that we were put here to do that is of benefit to us and to those that we are supposed to serve.  The bigger question is; how do I find my purpose?  First of all, your purpose does not come from what others are doing.  It does not need to be grand and out there in its scope of being.  It can be small and quite, but have a really profound affect on the people around you.  Not everyone's purpose was meant to be public.  Some people have found their purpose in the simple things of life.  We have to let go of our preconceived notions of what purpose is in order to find it for ourselves.

Purpose can be anything.  It is whatever you are meant to do that may be unique to you and you have a gift of doing.  It could be something that everyone can do, but you are the one person that gets enjoyment out of the task or calling.  So lets look at your life to date.  What have you been doing, saying, writing about, thinking about most of your life that you have not pursued?  Are you good at something that you didn't think you could make a living at in the long term?  For example, lets say you are gifted as someone who is easy to talk to about anything.  People tell you all the time how easy you are to talk to, but you never think much about it being something that could be part of your purpose.  Using this skill of being able to talk to people, you talk to more people and then you find that you have something really useful to say.  This turns into something that you really like to share with others and you find that they benefit from it when you tell them.  This is the beginning of a purpose.  How the purpose shapes itself and where it goes from here is the fun of how life unfolds.  You will be surprised how, when you find your purpose, doorways start to open to you and you start seeing new uses for your purpose that you did not think about before.  This is how some find their purpose.

Others have known their purpose from the very beginning.  They knew they were going to be leaders or ministers or teachers.  They were driven to find ways to make their purpose come to fruition in the world.  These people appear unique because their purpose is so profoundly in the public eye and everyone may know who they are.  It makes the rest of us feel like we could never have a purpose that important.  However, everyones purpose is important.  If you dont acknowledge your importance to this life on some level, then you don't value the very gift that you were given.  To realize that if you only affect one life in your entire lifetime, you have fulfilled your purpose.  Think outside of the box and understand that if everyone has a purpose then right now in this moment my purpose must be there as well.  Allow your mind to think of the most extreme things that you are interested in or that you can do and then bring it in to something you are comfortable with and that you can manage.   Your purpose will provide you will all the tools, knowledge, and skills you need to succeed.  The imagining of your purpose is free.  The consquence of not following your purpose could be profound for you.  So what have you got to lose?

Meditation-It's not What you Think!

Why meditate?  It is an excellent tool to aid physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental issues.  How does it do that?  By balancing the body, mind, and spirit.  When we experience massive amounts of stress, anxiety, and depression in our lives it starts to take a toll on the mind, body, and spirit.  After a while, these systems start to break down.  You may find that you get more physical ailments, illness in the body.  You may find that you can no longer sleep and/or you are worrying more daily.  You may also find that you no longer can find relief from any beliefs outside of yourself of a spiritual nature.  This is where meditation can be helpful.  By calming the mind you calm the body which calms the spirit.

 If you have ever tried meditation and thought it doesn’t work for you there are probably some good reasons why. 

1.       Don’t people sit silently for hours doing this stuff?

v  Meditation isn’t always people sitting around in a room being silent for hours.  If you are particularly stressed this may not be a way to begin your practice.  Did you know you can meditate while you are walking, doing yoga, or other physical activities (as long as you don’t have to have your attention on your safety!)  Walking meditations are great for distressing.  Get your favorite tunes, ones that make you happy, and get out there and just listen to the music.  The point of this walking meditation is to change your feelings.  Listening to music that makes you happy, mellow, relaxed, etc. is a good tool to tell your brain to take a break.  It is a great start to a practice that works for you and is healthy as well.

2.       If you are going to sit and meditate do what you can.

v  If all you can do the first time you meditate is sit for 5 minutes then hurray!  Good job!  Because we are so stressed in our lives, we treat meditation as yet another thing that we have to do instead of wanting to do it for our own benefit.  And so we distract ourselves by saying we don’t have time or it’s too hard to sit still or “I’m bored”.  This process starts with a willingness to try something new.  Then you just may have that random thought that says, you know what I have a moment let me sit in this chair and try it.  Then it starts to work for you and you try some more.

3.       I fall asleep when I try to meditate

v  Well good.  You probably needed the sleep anyway.  Your body is going to make a choice when you sleep.  It’s going to decide what to do with this sudden downtime you have taken for the good of the system.  So, if you fall asleep then let’s work on getting more sleep.  You can meditate yourself to sleep at night.  It’s a great way to wind down at the end of the day and make the transition into sleep.  After you start sleeping better you may find you have more energy.  More energy leads to better decision making and choices which leads to a more balanced life.

4.       I just don’t want to; I think it’s stupid!

v  OK, well meditation can still be for you.  You can call it something else like chill time or whatever clever thing you can come up with.  So you take a moment for yourself (parents I know this may have to happen after the kids go to bed!)  A bath with aromatic fragrances is a wonderful way to get in a meditative state.  Just putting aromatic fragrances that are relaxing in the house (for example lavender) can reduce the stress.  While you are cooking putting on the happy music and really focusing your attention on the process of cooking.  The everyday things you do can become meditative in nature.  I put my IPOD in my ears when I do housework.  I can then totally zone out while I’m vacuuming.

Now these are just a few suggestions and reasoning around the act of meditation that may be helpful to you.  What can you expect when you come to my class?  In my class I spend some time dealing with life issues that my class members bring which could be relevant to everyone in the class.  I give some tips and tools on how to handle everyday issues and then I talk about how you can use meditation to help alleviate these issues in your life.  Then I walk you through a meditation by guiding you.  You are constantly listening to the sound of my voice and the music to help you mediate.  Whether you are a first timer or an experienced meditator these classes are worthwhile and beneficial to your health.

 

Classes are every Tuesday at noon.  Let me know if you have a preference for another day or time.  I am currently working on more dates and would love some suggestions.